From an "intimidating woman": Pet peeves about "lazy" men.

Please, please, please do not be lazy!
The following are scenarios where I would find a describe a man's actions as lazy.

The top scenario is the guy who puts the onus on the girl to call him.  At the end of a date, one guy said to me, "so you have my number, so call me if you want to hang out". Uh, no thank you.  I may be a  member of a dying breed of women who actually desires to have a guy be the initiator and propagator of a relationship.  I call my guy friends that are JUST friends, or I call my boyfriend; I do not call guys to start up a relationship. The 21st century woman has a lot of the blame when it comes to this type of laziness. We women call men, give out our numbers without being asked for it, plan dates and all kinds of pursuits.  This allows lazy men to be lazier and also to feel like it is acceptable.  But please, lazy man, own up to your laziness and do not try to convert me. I am not ever going to value being a woman who chases after a man. Why? You may ask. Well, because I have three good looking brothers that demonstrated over and over again, the difference between how they treated the women that they had to pursue versus the women that pursued them.  One guy friend recently said, in regards to women,  "when you want something, you go for it".  For the record, he said it, not me.

Another scenario is that you say you want to get to know a girl, yet you do not call her or invite her out.  Please do not pretend that you are really interested if your actions are half-hearted. I heard a sermon where the speaker said that others cannot see our intentions (or our "heart", as has become so common to say); people only see our actions. If your actions are to Not call or text or invite her out, then I find it hard to believe that you really are interested. We all are willing to prioritize and sacrifice for something that is important to us.  So if I do not feel like a priority to a man, then I assume that I am not a priority.  If you wait until the last minute to invite me to hang out, or ask me on a saturday when I am going to be done with my plans, to see when we can meet up, then you are either lazy and or I am not a priority. If I was a priority, you would make sure that my weekend plans included you, with several days advance notice. Many of us start thinking about the weekend from wednesday, if not earlier. So waiting to make plans until saturday evening is a big, No.

One of the things I have noticed about many men is that they do not like to hurt a woman's feelings. In theory this is a good thing. However, in actuality, it can be really awful and a lazy man is involved it can play out into him keeping a girl in his back pocket.  The following is example [maybe extreme] of how this "back pocket" dynamic.  A girl pursues the interest of a guy.  The guy really isn't interested, but is afraid to tell the girl and hurt her feelings. Since he didn't invest any of his ego into pursuing her, he may not tell her that he is not interested. Instead he will allow her to text him, and he will causally text back. And one day, if he is lonely and she invites him to hang out, he will take her up on it. If he's really lonely, he may even sleep with her. All the while knowing that he is not really into her.  Yet on her side of the equation, she may perceive that he is into her because he responds to her texts and took her invitation to hang out, or because they had sex. Why would he do those things if he wasn't interested? Right?  You may think this is extreme, but don't forget I grew up around three good looking brothers, in a house where the phone rang off the hook, from ladies who were trying to get the attention of one of my brothers. That said, I have seen the "back pocket" dynamic in action.

Last item I will throw in for free. One guy tried to reason that some men are very casual and nervous initiate interest or expose their true feelings because they do not know what the woman is going to do. This was to defend actions that I was perceiving as laziness.  When this guy said this, I realized that there was a certain thing about women that he did not know.  Here it is gentlemen: women are won over by a guy that makes her the apple of his eye. If a guy shows interest and prioritizes a woman, she often will fall for him.  Now there are exceptions to this, but generally it is the rule.  Many women will disregard a lot of things that initially would have made someone not attractive or undesirable, IF the guy treats her like a queen or makes her feel special. She will even defend him to her friends and family, who looking from the outside, may not understand why she is with that guy.   There are a lot of homely, balding, dorky, low-wage earning men who have learned this insight about men.  These are the guys walking around with women, where you find yourself scratching your head trying to figure out how he did it.

All in all, I can't stand laziness. Mostly because men do not own up to it and try to pretend like they are making more effort than they really are. That said, there are plenty of 21st century women who don't mind pursuing a guy and putting in all the effort. And great relationships can result from that too. But that doesn't mean that he wasn't lazy. And for some women, like this writer, laziness is a deal breaker.

From an "intimidating woman" to a brotha: what he may not know.

these are personal insights, and may not apply Generally to all women classified as "intimidating"

1) I don't understand realistically why a man would be intimidated by me.  I cannot bench press anything significant, I don't have a john or cojones, we aren't competing for facial hair, and I can't shoot hoops. What of my femininity should intimidate? I have dated shorter men, those who didn't go to college, had a blue collar job, were balding, were skinny, dorky, foreign, and the list goes on. At the end of the day, if a guy is intimidated by me, that may say more about him than it does about me. I just saw a post on Instagram that read that a guy is only intimidated by a woman when he knows that she deserves better. Food for thought.


2) Sometimes people are surprised by the people I date or go on dates with. I have a similar style when I dance as to when I date. I am more likely to give someone a chance, rather than outright say no. All the men I have gone out with, had at least one thing in common: they approached me or asked me out. For me to even consider talking to someone, they have to at least make it obvious to me, that they are interested in getting to know me. I have heard rumors of guys that wanted to get to know me. Those men never will know anything more about me, than what they can see with the eye, if they don't have the guts to approach me. There are guys that have very little going on for themselves, who approach me. Then there are guys who have a lot going for them, who stare silently from across the room.  I don't get it.


3) Just because I don't need you to pay my bills doesn't mean that I don't want a man to share my life with. Some men are intimidated by an independent woman, who can support herself. When my friends can take care of themselves, I'm glad. Who wants a friend that you have to pay all their bills? So why is it that some men are intimidated by a woman who lives under her means? I know one doctor who finds it liberating that his wife makes more money than he does. Wouldn't it be better for a woman to want you because she loves your company and not because she needs your money ?

response to elliptical facebook questions

{questions] 
I'm tired of getting tripled teamed by the devil......he aint got to worry about you cause you only good for religious quotations.......yeah I'm the Christian MVP and I wear da number 7 on my chest......but am I the only Christian all-star not afraid to tackle tuff Christian issues......like why there so many homosexuals in the black church, but everyone acts like they don't see it........and other issues.......like if Eve really came from Adam, doesn't that mean that men have feminine sides.....or that there was a woman trapped in the inside of them.......and if I'm the Bride of Christ.....what does that make me.....an ugly man in a bridal gown......or a woman trapped in a man's body........?
[response}
About Eve coming out of Adam. One thought may be that we were originally beings that were neither male nor female, like we are now. God is not really male, but rather above and greater than what we think of as a man or masculine. In human beings being created in the image of God, their are attributes of God that mostly only women seem to have. God begot Jesus like women beget children. The bible talks about God bringing us to his bosom (aka breasts) [Isaiah 40:11]. Then there are sides of God that mostly men mirror. We call God Father and revere God for the might & power and kingship that God has.
So what happened in the garden? God separated the soul of the human being and gave half to Adam, now the first male, and half to Eve, the first woman. Then later the bible talks about a husband and wife becoming one flesh (or one soul) when they marry [Genesis 2:24]. This is possibly because what was divided becomes reunited when husband and wife come together with a singular mind and unity of spirit. This is probably why God is so supportive of marriage, because the spiritual power of a married couple moving together with one mind may be greater by multiples compared with either a single man or woman working independently. It may also be that we are most closely in the image of God as husband and wife, because we are then neither male nor female, but rather a united new entity, as God is neither male nor female. The potential spiritual power of a married couple is probably intimidating to those who would rather keep people powerless, which may be why there is so much external attack against marriage.
Maybe Jesus calls the church the bride because Jesus want us to become one new entity and to enter into a singular mind--taking on the mind of Christ, and a singular spirit and into the spiritual power of Jesus. Jesus wants us to be one with Him. And when spiritual beings are one, like that, we are neither male or female, we are above those natural terms, making us SuperNatural. So, I would not attribute the bride in this analogy as being a female idea, that should make masculine men feel nervous to be a part of. Instead, I would think of the bride as being the partner of the groom in a great spiritual marriage or union.

conversation with a zealot

boy: I don't usually write random emails like this to strangers, but there are no words in the English language to describe how beautiful and enticing I think you are. I would love to communicate with you if given the chance and find out whether you are more than just looks and whether your intellect and personality are as breathtaking as your exterior. My name is *dude and I will patiently wait for your response. I hope that there is one. Take care.
girl [checks out FB profile and notices that he is of agnostic belief and she follows Jesus]:Thank you for the flattery. Unfortunately I am really wanting to become more of a follower of Jesus at this time in my life and would not entertain getting into a relationship with someone who did not also want the same thing. Have a great new year. Wishing you only the best.

boy: Interesting...And that in and of itself is so contradictory to Jesus' teachings and also closed-minded.

girl:My perspective is actually not contradictory to Jesus' teachings; and most people would not find Jesus "open-minded" by today's standards since he says in very clear terms that he is the ONLY way to God. Jesus clearly portrays himself as being an heir of God sent to do several things on the earth, namely being redeeming mankind from the off-course trajectory that humanity was on. Jesus also then makes it clear that God now expects us, the recipients of redemption, to believe that Jesus was sent for that purpose and to be like Jesus in the world. I am sorry to be blunt but agnosticism does not follow after Jesus. It seems that you wrote to me because you would be interested in us having a relationship based on attraction. For me to have that kind of relationship with someone we have to share the same God. I have no problem being friends with people of all kinds of belief but the same does not hold true for who i will date and i do not apologize for that.

boy: If you says so...Trust me, you don't want to get in a theological debate with me.

girl:You should read Jesus's teachings. You are likely to find that modern culture portrays him as being more tame and not as radical and extreme as he really was.

boy:Actually you should read Jesus' teachings. I have actually read the Bible from cover to cover on 4 separate occasions. It is my quest for spirituality and also knowledge that brought me to feeling the way I do now. I am certain that you would not be able to have a truly fact-filled theological debate with me. There is no portrayal. You actually need to find facts instead of believing in a made-believe invisible being, that pulls strings.

girl: i do read my bible. i have read apologetic arguments and agnostic/ atheistic arguments. i have had experiences that no one can take away from me and based on all of that I choose to believe. and you are right, i have no desire to get in a debate with you.

boy:I know, religious radicals almost never have the ability to view beyond their superstition.

girl:Firstly, I am not religious. Secondly, I do not believe in superstition. Third, your earlier comment about being hypocritical is evidence that you do not know who Jesus was as a political figure in his day, which is why I suggested that you read about him. Either way you are entitled to your Opinions.

boy:LOL. Definition of RELIGIOUS: 1: relating to or manifesting faithful devotion to an acknowledged ultimate reality or deity (a religious person), (religious attitudes); 2: of, relating to, or devoted to religious beliefs or observances (joined a religious order); 3a : scrupulously and conscientiously faithful

b : fervent, zealous.
What's funny is that you can't prove anything you claim to hold as a fact. You step out in so-called faith. I call that stepping out on ignorance. Christ's story is not even original, it has been told over and over again in other cultures and thousands of years before Christ's birth. LOL. Funny!!

girl:Actually, by your demonstrated definition of religious, any "zealous" person would be religious, that includes your zealousness for this discussion, any die-hard football follower or member of a coveted group. Therefore your definition has no specificity to identify only a selected group. 

In regards to Jesus not being original, that is not based on fact. Jesus is the only of all those having stories similar to his, to have actually been proven to have lived on the earth. Those other stories are folklore and do not have evidence to support that the protagonists actually ever existed. There are many records of Jesus life and exploits, beyond the bible. Check your facts.

boy:HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ignorance is bliss!

girl: EXACTLY ! Well said. Merry Christmas homie. Maybe one day you will see something that was always in front of your eyes.

boy:LOL Okay...Merry Christmas to you too...

Response to a facebook post

Opinion: “A woman's responsibility is to prepare to be found. She was not made to initiate! The man must actively pursue her. In fact, he will enjoy the chase as much as she enjoys being chased! I would argue that there isn't a shortage of good men. Rather, there is an abundance of unprepared, overly eager women!”

1st response: While I agree that women are to be prepared to be found and many of us are not preparing ourselves properly, I think the reality that women outnumber men several times over at most places of worship-- with the exception of sporting arenas-- supports the perception that there are not enough good men out there. Please do not completely excuse men from the equation.

2nd opinion:Kia, I understand what you're saying. I didn't intend to leave the men out. I just wanted to paint a different picture seeing that men are typically bashed all the time by women who are unemotionally prepared to handle them. Also, the mentioning of the outnumbering of women to men is irrelevant and fearful. God is sufficient, and those statistics are wordly.

2nd response

Imagine a college football player in his junior season. He has so much potential but has yet to really get featured. Some pesky injuries have kept him from fully bringing his best playing to this year’s games. At the end of the spring season, with his heart set on hopefully going pro after a successful senior year, would you blame him for being anxious and strategizing for how to achieve success in the upcoming last year. He knows that this dream really only comes once in a lifetime--there is no going back to this stage of his youth, when he is older, to get a second chance. Would you be surprised if he was anxious about the very finite nature of his dream? Let us change scenarios. Now imagine a woman, who dreams longingly of having a family.  She is not married & has no boyfriend.  She has gone to college to be able to work and support herself and is coming up to her 33rd birthday.  She knows that her fertility level will change in 2 short years, and even more so in 5 years. She hears that “advanced maternal age” clock ticking. Is she anxious and probably overly eager? Probably just as much as that football player is about making it pro. Will making her feel like she is just plain wrong, for being eager, solve her anxiety? Likely not.  What does this woman need from others?

    She needs positive affirmation from people in her life to trust in God and to start to call in the blessings of God that she is desiring. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick”. She needs to be encouraged to put her hope in God. And it’s not enough to tell her these things, she has to walk through the process and transform her whole paradigm. 

    She also needs friendboys in her life to not lead her on deceivingly, but to give her clear signals. Sir if you are not interested do not string her along. She will misread your ambiguity because she is half distracted by that dang clock ticking in her head.  

    She also needs to be affirmed to be true to her self. I would imagine that all kinds of people would be offering that football player advice on how to make it to the pros. Just like all kinds of people give advice to single women. Some men say, “don’t be afraid to make the first move; guys like it when women ask them out sometimes”. Other men say, “men should be the hunters and women the hunted”. Some women tell testimonies of their successful marriage to a man that they pursued; even Ruth in the bible basically initiated her relationship with Boaz. So when a woman gets confused about the course to take to exit out of singledom, cut her some slack. Is there only one way to get into a successful relationship? Probably not. A woman needs to be true to herself and not lose her identity en route to just finding any man to raise a family with. But who is to say how she and that Boaz will be united. 

To end i will touch on the idea of preparedness. I don’t think either men or women are ever fully prepared for marriage. In general men do not really understand women and women do not really understand men. Yes, there are steps you can take to help transition more easily into a marriage, but it is still going to be hard work with a lot of learning and deciphering of the other person. 

Women get picked on all the time for being hormonal and wanting babies and being under the pressure of “the clock”; not to mention being the overall subjects of aggravated violence and being often reduced to the sum of their ass-ets. Just because a gentleman feels like men get bashed too much does not, in my opinion, warrant another finger-pointing at women who get the brunt of too much negativity in the universe. Single women need affirmation, protection, understanding, patience, guidance and they need to feel loved.

Over-confident Brotha (or Sista)

My friend and once I coined the term Over-confident Brotha, during a storytelling of a gent who thought so highly of himself that he could not perceive the characteristics he possessed that lowered his appeal (or as I like to say, his market value).  My mother says that many Caribbean mothers instill in their sons and idea that they are prized cock and that any woman they have eyes for, should recognize that they are a prized cock--even if they do not have jobs, or are much older than she, or are not in shape, or are sickly, or have kids, when she does not, and the list goes on. When talking with my mother about some of my suitors who, in our shared opinion, had an inflated sense of market value, she would often respond, “he has some nerve, what makes him think that you would even like him? He is too...[insert one of the dequalifiers mentioned previously].” Interestingly, I was once chastised for talking about someone being out of their league, when they tried to talk to me.  The commenting gent thought it was arrogant of me to have had a perception that some men are not worth me getting to know, let alone, date. So now I wonder, have I been raised to have an over-inflated sense of self and my own marketability? What is the difference between knowing your worth as a match and being arrogrant & overtly conceited? How does a woman set a standard for who would be compatible for herself without coming off as exclusionary & narrow minded?

One of the riotously funny cartoons about black dating (on youtube) has a dialogue where the lady says she won’t settle for less than she deserves, which is a rapper-type, who is taller than 6’3”, who will buy her diamonds and expensive clothes & cars, and has a body like some other rapper, and a host of other ridiculous things. In response to deserving the material things, the gent in the cartoon replies, “why do you deserve those things when you cannot buy them for yourself?” I remember my brother commenting that “big-boned” women always liked him for his height and frame, but he wondered why they thought he was a match for them when he thought they were out of shape. Insight seems to be the key issue here. When one looks in the mirror, does one have an accurate perception of how attractive they are, as a package of characteristics, to the outside world? But what about when you have a modest view of yourself, but those you trust sing your praises and encourage you to not think less of yourself--I feel like this is my case.  I have been rebuked by family members when I dated people they did not think were “on my level”. So have I been trained to be over-confident? 

Compatability.  Standards. Expectations. Lists. Compatability seems to be in the eye of the beholder. For some it is okay to have characteristics that their partner does not have. This appears in movies all the time: In Daddy’s Little Girls, the highly-educated and financially successful, never had kids woman, falls for the less educated, not so financially successful father of two (with a crazy baby momma); and in Why did I get Married?, the obese divorcee snags the hot bodied very handsome brother; In Something’s Gotta Give, both the main protagonists have relationships with people nearly half their age.  So, sometimes (at least in the movies) opposites not only attract but also have a happy ending. Was it really arrogant of me, as a young, decent-looking, physically fit, university-educated, never been married or prego-ed, career-driven, Jesus- following woman to have thought that the cat-calling, looks like he’s as old as my dad, homely, very likely only high-school educated, probably more than one baby-mama having brotha on the street was out of his league? Probably, but truth be told, maybe my biggest fault was in voicing that he was out of his league instead of just thinking it. So should i fault a brother for taking a chance with me, when it is obvious to me that he will not float my boat? I guess not, if i am to accept the point of some movie script writers; maybe instead, I should start thanking these such brothas for daring to make it known to me that they found me attractive--because truth be told, there are many men who are more compatible who will not voice their attraction.  So at the least I can affirm their courage.  

When talking about one over-confident brotha, my mom’s take home point was, “consider it a compliment that he tried to talk to you, because guys like that [who have been raised to think that they are the cream of the crop] only go after the best girls.”  And once again, the training to think highly of myself.  I wonder, which is worse for a well-rounded woman in this day and age, to be over-confident or under-confident.  An over confident woman may be a turn off to some, but who’s to say that her holding out for a person who meets her higher-than average expectations won’t materialize into her meeting just the kind of guy she dreams of.  Who is to say that some men will not be attracted to her high confidence level and consider it a huge compliment when she pays any attention to them at all.  And who is to say that the under-confident woman is better off? What if she were to review her life with regret that she married someone she should not have, because she did not think she should have held out for someone with more to offer, especially when she had so much to give, herself. Hmm. I will end with several proverbs that talk about good women: “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD” (18:22); “A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones” (12:4); “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies” (31:10). Interestingly, there is no parallel verse that I have seen in regards to a woman finding a good husband. My opinion: a good woman should know her worth & recognize that she should be regarded as a treasure and she should hold out for the man who floats her boat; and if some man that she would not talk to anyway, thinks that this is arrogant of her, then oh well--you can’t please everybody    ;-p 

stillborn

Today I helped deliver a stillborn baby.  He was a darling little thing, bigger than we expected, with hands & feet that would have made him a good ball handler.  He looked perfect.

It is very sobering to be a part of someone’s life during a time of disappointment and of death.  How do I support without magnifying the loss; is it insensitive or disrespectful to have a somber atmosphere fragmented by times of lighter spirits & even laughter?  

It gripped my heart to hear cries of sadness on the Labor & Delivery ward-- a place which, most of the time, is bustling with life.  It broke my heart to see grandma weep as the head was being delivered. Why did this happen to her daughter, her grandson?  And it broke my heart to hear the affections of grandpa as he went to embrace his daughter.  The loss on multiple levels was palpable: a mother losing her son, just a month before he should have been born; a father losing his first son; grandparents losing their grandson; parents grieving over the hurt felt by their daughter, now a women, but forever their little girl. 

Today, faced with the reality of death; the hustle falls away, and perspective seems to slow the rotation of the world about itself...[i breathe]...[i cry]...  

Eyes open to something new

I have always been attracted to men of all shades and ethnicities; however, I never assumed that all types of men were attracted to me.  For some reason, I particularly held this perception in regards to caucasian men. I had also heard rumors that caucasian men preferred caucasian women, asian men preferred asian women and Indian men preferred Indian women. Even though I thought those preferences were narrow, I did not truly have a problem with them. As a brown girl, I assumed that I was mostly found attractive by other brown-skinned men. In the last year, however, I have been repeatedly & pleasantly surprised to realize that in particular, caucasian men dig me. I am always taken aback by how obvious they can be, stopping me in the street to tell me i’m beautiful or that they love my hair, or obviously watching me walk down the street or staring at me when I’m in my car.  Recently my fake caucasian cousin, Colin, answered “yeah, we do”, when I was commented on how I had not previously thought that caucasian guys found me attractive. He also told me about dating several brown-skinned girls. 

My mom says that caucasian men especially prefer brown-skinned girls that look like brown-skinned girls. She means to say that girls that look natural, and not like they are trying to look caucasian, are the kind of girls that caucasian guys would find attractive.  In regard to this, I have noticed many men really enjoying seeing me wear my hair full out and kinky.  My last boyfriend absolutely loved my natural hair and always wanted to play with it. He was caucasian. However, I know caucasian guys who love them some straight-haired valley-girl sounding brown sisters too. Truth be told, I think the big secret is that more caucasian guys [than we brown sisters realize] are into brown sistas. 

So what if the caucasian guys are into brown girls? Who cares? Well, it might only matter if you are only of probably tens of thousands of single, up-and-coming brown-skinned women, waiting for the “good black brotha”.  

I remember the day I told a car-full of my brown-skinned girlfriends that I was not going to wait for the “good black brotha”.  After the words exited my mouth, you could have heard a pin drop in the car. One girl was on the phone when I explained myself, and she made me say it all over again as soon as she ended her call. My rationale is this: there are probably 7 single brown girls to every free [aka non-incarcerated], living [not shot, stabbed or something else tragic] & worth dating [not a scrub, pimp or free-loader] brotha. Even if we included the scrubs, the ladies would still outnumber the men, several times over. Mathematically & statistically, the odds are that many brown sistas will not pair up with their ideal brown brotha. So, are these women destined for singlehood or the self-depreciation of sharing a man with another sista-- I hear this last thing goes on in some cities? To this I say, “I’m not waiting for the good black brotha” and “i’m not fighting some chic for the good black brotha, either”.  If brown men can date and marry outside of their race, then why have the sisters held rigidly to only loving within their race? I don’t get it, and i’m not participating in this foolishness. Men are men. Handsome is handsome. Love is love. 

I think beautiful, successful, confident, resilient, sassy brown-skinned women should open their eyes and realize that men, of all races and complexions and backgrounds and careers, just might be into you. Color is not the only common denominator, and culture often has nothing to do with race. People can connect on many different levels, and brown girls need to not be deceived into thinking that brown men are the only ones that can understand or appreciate them.  My caucasian boyfriend loved my independence and strong-willed nature. He was not intimidated by me in the least.  Maybe these non-black men are waiting for us to see them. Maybe he is waiting to open the faucet of love, in the basin of your life. 

Be encouraged and set your mind & heart free.

unloaded gun

One of the worst things that can happen when you come face- to- face with an opponent that wants to enslave you, is to have a gun that is not loaded. 

I am presently in a series of study sessions in lessons of the bible. The series is called Breaking Free, by Beth Moore.  This host equates lies with captivity and truth with freedom.  There are several truths. My truth, the host suggests, is a sum of my experiences and my environment. Sometimes hindsight really is 20/20. So as I now see my captivity, I can look back and clearly define my truth.  

My TRUTH =  born into a family, with parents who believed in Jesus as their bridge to the almighty God; wanting to follow Jesus, as my own choice; being a perfectionist; holding people to high moral standards, and being utterly disappointed when they did not live up to those standards; depreciating myself when I err; avoiding some activities for fear of consequences and sequelae; feeling that the approval of some persons was conditional on my being excellent; being very picky; indecisiveness; nervous to trust; seeing a brother’s marriage (to a women who had recently begun to believe in Jesus) become a tangle of disappointment, betrayal and confusion; seeing my family blame the sequelae of his marriage on the woman he chose, and her not really being a “believer”; seeing one of my parents not be productive (even though they were full of so much potential); not seeing that parent change, despite countless prayers; seeing myself achieve and avoid certain bad choices; progressively acting like past closeness with God would be sufficient in the present and in my future; progressively not communicating with God through prayer; seeing my [past] boyfriend love me, like no man has ever loved me; seeing that my [past] boyfriend matched the promise a few had told me God was sending; seeing that in several key ways he was the kind of man I had been telling God, openly and silently, that I wanted Him to send for me; seeing in one essential way (his initiative in, desire of and faith in all things God), that he was not, presently, what I prayed for; seeing myself wonder what that big question mark on his spirit was finally going to reveal; not seeing my [past] boyfriend when he read the bible (because he wanted to) or prayed on his own; not seeing the boyfriend move forward, quickly; seeing us (he and I) move too fast in physical affection; seeing that he was not formally educated or a professional (like me); seeing that he had made some poor choices in past relationships (and I had not made some of those poor choices, and if I compared myself to most of my peers, in that regard, I was exceptional, and he was not exceptional); not seeing my pride, sense of entitlement and perception of superiority.

PLUS (+)

LIE = the boyfriend could never be someone God wanted for me; he was not smart enough; if everything in his life was not where I thought it should be, then he was not for me; he would never want to be fully committed to God; maybe one day he would stop loving me

= CAPTIVITY

{Self-delusion; confusion; fear; worry; broken-hearted; numbed emotions;  isolation;  hopelessness;  loneliness}

It’s sad to have an unloaded gun when you come up against captivity. As a person that believed in the power of God’s Spirit being with me, I believe I had a gun. I had God’s words (the ones I received personally and the ones I could read in the verses of the bible); I had, Jesus, as my deliverer; I had experiences to confirm my faith, people who prayed for and with me; I went to church BUT, my ammunition was to be an Active and present relationship/communication/trust/partnership with God. This, I did not have. So when I heard the lie, my gun was unloaded, and I was not adequately able to fight off captivity; consequently, I became enslaved. If I had had my gun loaded, maybe I would have recognized the lie when I heard it--because I did hear it. Unfortunately, my [past] boyfriend did not even seem to have a gun.

I almost asked God, “why did you send me a man without a gun?” Even before I finished the question in my mind, I was realizing the answer: so that I could see him/be a witness to the event of (the boyfriend) being connected back to the almighty God (a priceless thing to behold); because God trusted me to be a bridge between him and God; because God believed I could handle it; because God intended to walk with me through the whole thing. The next thought I had was about Canaan, the land promised, by God, to the descendants of Israel. When God brought the Israelites there, during the leadership of Moses, the land was inhabited by other people. It was not empty and just ready for the Israelites to just walk into and occupy. God had intended to walk with them in the gaining of that land (the acquisition of their promise), BUT fear [of the people living there putting up an insurmountable fight; that things would not be easy] and a lie [that something was not right with the circumstances; that they had been lead into a trap; that this was not from God] drove them away from their promise...and it was 40 years of dryness in the desert before the chance to acquire the promise would come before them again.

wow 

The lie of epidemic proportions

Now on to Hair.

I recently watched, “Good Hair”, the documentary by the comedian, Chris Rock. He explores the world of black hair and the women who are adorned with it. I was talking about this film to my Indian friend. She stopped me because I kept using the term “natural hair” and she did not know what I meant. So I went down a list of women [whose ancestors hail from the African continent, to be called ACAGs in this blog (African Continental Ancestry Group-ies)] she knew and told her that each one of those women wore their hair straight even though their hair does not grow out of their scalp straight. She had had no clue. This is a woman, from New York City, with a Master’s degree and a host of ACAG friends, and she had no clue. So then I pointed to my curly head of hair and expressed that most of those women on the list had hair like mine, before they straightened it, of course. Her eyes widened as she said, “really?”   It was then, at that moment, that the gravity of the lie that black women tell everyday with their hair, hit me. It hit me how odd it was to have to use the disclaimer “natural” when talking about my exception-to-the-rule of a hairstyle, when the rule is not normal.  

I must give the following disclaimer: To relate the dysfunctional hair thinking of so many ACAG women, to my Indian friend, and so that ACAG women’s hair straightening addiction would not seem so fanatical, I said, “just like some Indians will not go in the sun for fear of being dark, and will even bleach their skin to be whiter (i mean lighter), so do ACAG women think straight is more beautiful than curly and will go to lengths to have straight hair.  At that, she understood the problem/ disdain for self that afflicted mine as well as hers.

So in 2010, the question begs to be asked: why are we, as ACAG women, still there, thick in the middle of a outward lie? Why have we not moved on, or rather, moved back [to the truth]? 

Maybe I would not ask this question, if I had not seen the movie [“Good Hair”].  But, I did see the movie.  While watching it, I had my turn to be amazed and clueless of the weave  world which I was now realizing I knew very little about.  I can tell you the difference between a full head weave and extensions and wigs and a cap and tracks; however, I did not know that there were some working class women--may I stress the words working class-- who would pay $1000 for their weave. $1000/ one grand/ a crap-o-la of cash! I could not fathom a working class woman forking over a mortgage, on the regular, for her hair. I began to envision women throughout the U.S going into debt for their hair. And the answer to the big WHY, was presenting itself to me, as a disdain for self.  I am not saying that ACAG women hate themselves, just their nappy, not-straight enough or loose and bouncy enough, Africa derived, kinky hair.  That’s when I thought, THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!  

The saddest part is that we ACAGs are the strongest defenders of the lie.  In the film, young ACAG teens comment about natural hair and professional appearance.  Each girl shown, expresses that she would not take a person seriously, as a professional, if they wore their hair in a natural style.  A few girls have no qualms about saying this, in the company of a girl wearing her hair in a natural coif. You can see in that one girl’s face: shock, uneasiness, insecurity, rejection.  

When I first started working in a very esteemed and professional environment, I was timid about my hair.  Without many examples of coiffures for people with my type of hair, that were both flattering and professional, I felt very much in the dark.  What was appropriate, I asked myself? The more I experimented, and the longer I stayed in that environment, the more I realized that the majority of the restrictions and taboos were in my head.  Most people never said anything about my hair. Many just commented that I changed it often.  And many others liked the ways I styled my hair.  I remember one day showing up with my hair in a huge, voluminous style--the night before I had done some extra-curriculars and did not have the energy to fight with my teased hair, in the morning.  So I showed up to work looking like Diana Ross, with my hair out to There. And you know what? For the most part, nobody said anything about my hair.  The one comment I do remember, came from a supervisor who said, “don’t let anybody make you feel uncomfortable about your hair, it looks great.” Bet you did not expect that comment, and neither did I. 

I’ll give you some more insight that you may not expect. A lot of non-ACAG people love natural hair--they are bemuzed by it and they will openly confess that they envy it.  I often get stopped by passers-by who feel compulsed to say, “I love your hair” or want to touch my hair.  Even though I have gotten used to it, I sometimes feel awkward when I am with a friend when this happens, mostly because my friend did not get the memo that he/she was going out with a hair celebrity that day. (LOL).  I was with the same Indian friend, mentioned above, when a car-full of women shouted from their car to hers, that they loved my hair.  Once, a friend who had witnessed several people, in the span of a few minutes, have visceral reactions to my hair, asked me, “does this happen to you a lot?” To that, I replied, “it’s happening more and more.” When I think on these episodes, I wonder, “do ACAG women realize that the world would accept them if they gave up the lie?” It hurts my soul to know what they do not know.  But unfortunately, standing in the way of that wall coming down is a host of ACAGs chanting “you can’t handle the truth”.

Definitely to be continued.....

Heart (dividend sign) 2

In my first entry, I wrote that I was “involuntarily single”.  The more accurate truth is that I walked away from love and was temporarily not picked up by another fish in the sea.  Maybe there is a sign on my forehead that reads: Unfinished Business, DO NOT approach this one.  (LOL).  More recently I have been overwhelmed by a wave of emotion and deluge of questions with uncertain answers.  Why did I walk away? Was he not right for me, or was I afraid? Did the voice of fear speak to me with confidence and blind me from what I should have seen? Did I run because things were not easy or perfect? Am I afraid to take real risks, like the risk of giving my heart away?  Was I pressured by people who did not see what I saw? Was I trying to live up to the standards of others, instead of allowing myself to discover my own desires?

I met a beautiful man who scared me.  He loved me so intensely, so quickly. He had a lot of the character traits that I was looking for, in a person that I would give my heart to; but he was like a bag of potential seedlings waiting to be sown.  That state of being in limbo scared me too. What ifs became a voice In my ear. What if he never used his potential? Who does he want to be? What if I will always want more for him than he wants for himself?  The questions scared me. Others saw that limbo state and raised concerns about it, and I could not subdue their concerns. One, told me a chilling story of love that went dry as one person’s path went from limbo to a direction opposite the person they were supposed to share their life with.  These two lived in the same house, but one desperately wanted to share certain parts of them self, that the other wanted nothing to do with.  This and their exhortation created the thought that if he was in limbo then he was not right for me. So I walked away, and in doing so, I broke my heart in two, and I broke his heart. For months I entertained all those questions, all those what ifs. Only to find myself realizing that maybe I, (me), did not care as much about those uncertainties as some others did. What if I allowed fear to tip the scale in the wrong direction and to drop a veil over my eyes?  What if love is the most powerful force on earth and in life? What if love is that force that sees us reach for the stars and touch them? What if all I really want is to be loved and to share who I am with someone? What if the resume is just a glimpse of where someone has gone so far, but not a predictor of where one will go?

At present, my heart is still torn. I’m confused and uncertain about many things.  I am in limbo, but I am focused on moving forward. 

Beth Moore writes that the greatest paradox is that healing can flow from a wound.  That idea made me wonder if God allows hurt and emotional wounding in my life to bring about a needed healing. Could it be that sometimes I’m only open to great healing when I am so hurt by a deep wound? Maybe my thinking needs healing. It is sad to admit but I often really reach out to God when I feel like I am in a low point, or ashamed of how I have muddied things in my life or when I am hurting. But sometimes I do the opposite too; I ignore God along with all the pain and lead myself into a numb cocoon.  When the prophet Isaiah writes of this savior person who “took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows” I think of Jesus and how he sympathized with the hurting and burdened his soul with the oppressed and overlooked.  I think, “Jesus can identify with me, He understands my broken heart”.  Jesus even quotes writings in Isaiah, of this person who took it as a mission to bind up the brokenhearted. It is as if He wants to be the glue that pieces my heart back together.  Hmm.

Ramblings

The heart doesn’t speak in intellect, it’s language is much more simple. Beat or not beat, love or hate. Truth or lie. 

Sometimes a princess meets a King and becomes a Queen. But what happens when a prince meets a Queen? Is a Queen only meant for a King, or can the prince rise in stature? 

It’s scary to take a chance and invest in human potential. What if they decide to squander and be lazy? Man, I wonder if God’s intestines are in a knot, watching and hoping for mankind.  But if you don’t take a huge risk, you lose the possibility of reaping a huge reward.   

I have to ask: why was the tree in the garden? I mean really, why put it there if not to tempt? And it temptation was intended, then can one really disappointed at any choice that is made, or are all choices valid? What if life is an exercise in making choices and seeing what they produce?

What if God is a bystander?

It is so easy for me to want to be frustrated with my situation of singleness and to be frustrated with God. Sometimes I do not want to talk to God about my frustrations and that just leads me to feel more isolated and alone, walling off my deep trueness behind guarded detachment. But today I wondered, “what if God is a bystander to my life?” What if God is watching and waiting to see what I do. What if God is waiting to see what choices we make and then what we do with the consequences of those choices? What if the day- to- day choices and courses are up to us, and only huge/ affect- the -world- and- all- it’s- inhabitants events does God navigate? What if the rest, God leaves up to us?

Is Marriage Hype?

Would men and women really live together if there weren’t so many novels and movies and magazine articles dedicated to highlighting the joyful pleasure of heterosexual relationships? Maybe we women have all been brain-washed. Maybe it is all hype. Maybe if I had never been deluged by all the propaganda I would be perfectly fine living single and sharing moments of my life, every now and again, with my friends.  

I mean if marriage and romance were all it was crapped up to be, why would I have had several married women tell me to stay single as long as I can, or not to get married at all? It is as if there is a final chapter to the saga on love, romance and marriage that no one ever writes about. We watch these movies in which the happy ending is when the guy and the guy confess their love for one another, and they embrace and the credits roll. Our imaginations keep the story going with endless bliss and undying love. So if it is so grand a fairy-tale, why am I encouraged to prolong getting married by the older, more experienced generation? How come all the media hype leaves that side of the story out?

Until the last few years, I had no real desire for relationship or romance. So what changed? Well, I think that on top of being set up by the media, God set me up with these so-called hormones. The media brain-washing was by accident. I like girly magazines, and wedged between beautiful fashion spreads that tantalize my occular senses, are blurbs on how to make things “hot” and new sex tips and what a turns a man on. As I graze through a mag, it is so easy to casually read a few lines of the blurb. Then over the course of a year or even two years, those little seeds start to sprout fruits of desire.  Oh and I cannot forget the romance movies that I like to watch. At the end of one movie I am suddenly wanting a man that I did not want before the movie started. Lastly there are the hormones that have a mind of their own.  It is like they turn on without asking my permission and then run rampant.  

The whole thing is a divine set-up. If women did not enjoy chatting about men and hormones did not lay siege to our minds, women would not live with men---they would have no need for them. God knew that life would end after one generation if there was not some draw that entangled men and women, so God set us up. 

I say women have been brain-washed because they definitely seem to get the short end of the stick in relationships. They get the project of helping their dude be civilized, get to carry his child for nine months, plus the pleasure of pushing out it’s big head, they get to be a glorified house-keeper, cooking and cleaning and child-rearing and such.  Look how much stuff we get in return for marriage.  With that in mind, who wouldn’t want to get married? LOL.

I just thought of some more things that entangle us: fear of disease and religious principles.  Actually the two can go hand-in-hand. I have heard justification for monogamy and only having sexual relationships in marriage because it is healthier (one is less likely to get STDs). So what if there was not the fear of STDs or the rules about sex and marriage? In that world, maybe men would be in one camp and women in another. Maybe women and men would only come together for sexual recreation or for procreation. Maybe the women would keep the girl babies and give the boy babies over to the men’s camp (if not right away, maybe after thy were weaned). Either way, women would not live with men.  I bet women would live to see one hundred years and men would die in their thirties.

We have been set up. I have been set up, and I know it. Unfortunately, in this case, knowing is not half the battle. Even if I avoided all the media hype, I would still have those blasted, raging hormones. Man !

Frustratedly single

I'm 27 and i'm tired of being single. I'm also tired of people asking me whether I fight guys off with a stick, or if I turn a lot of guys down, or if I date a lot of basketball players (because I'm 5'10"), or if i'm single because i'm focusing on school right now. I'm tired of those questions because the answer is an enthusiastic and universal, "NO".  Today a lovely married mamma slapped that paper-cut of a sore, when she made a comment that I had also heard too many times: "well you're a catch and maybe guys are intimidated." To that I responded, "well isn't it a shame that a catch should be off limits."  I had already been thinking recently about this phenomenon of the beautiful, successful and involuntarily single woman.  I  think I have been inducted into this sisterhood by default. I am 5'10", with a lion's mane of dark curls--that everyone seems tempted to touch, a ridiculous amount of facial freckles, a modelesque body, enough brains to be a doctor in T minus 6 months, risky yet fabulous fashion sense and an opinion on everything.  Oh yes, and drum roll please.....I'm single, go figure. 

To the surprise of many, i've been more single than anything else since i've been an adult. Only three boyfriends in over a decade, for a cumulative total of less than a year of my life EVER spent in a relationship. A natural assumption would be that I'm hard to get along with, which is why I am single, despite possessing several attractive qualities.  I could vouch for myself and say I'm very easy-going, but maybe that would seem like I was partial to myself. So, instead, I'll give the testimony of my own brother, who enjoys having passionate debates with me, and would be the first person to say I was difficult, if in fact I was such a thing.  He once told me that he would love for me to marry a man from a certain ethnic background (which will go unnamed), because he wanted such a man to have the privilege of a woman who was not nagging and negative, like he thought too many women from that group were towards their men. So there, i'm not difficult. To be honest, I am probably too easy-going and do not have enough expectations for the guys in my life--maybe that is what allows them to feel comfortable with me.  If I had not ended every relationship that I did not think was the right fit for me, the guys I was either talking to or dating probably would not have broken things off with me. Honestly, i'm really easy to love.  And yet... and yet.

So that brings me back to this intimidation issue. Why should a man be intimidated by a beautiful woman who is successful at her endeavors? What part of the equation makes the woman intimidating, her beauty or her success? Is success really the issue or is it that she seemingly does not need a man? Are men only attracted to women that they think need them? I don't know, but I wish I knew.  When I gave my universal "No" answer to the older gentleman who asked me if i dated a lot of basketball players in Miami, he followed with this question, "are they blind?" To that I replied, "I don't think the guys of my generation have courage anymore". The word courage seemed to resonante with him, and he needed no futher explanation.  What do I mean by courage? It is the guts to risk your pride to make it obvious to a woman that you only have eyes for her; to make the first move; to approach a woman who seems independent, not being nervous that she won't need you, because you realize the asset she is to any strong man. Courage is Barack approaching Michelle, before he was Obama.  Too often the only guys who seem to have the guts to risk their pride are those who are shameless.  Like the guy on the street who cat-calls to anything with a vagina and legs, or to the guy that could be my dad's uncle's age, and you can just tell he's got a lot of baby-mama-drama in his life. But what about young professionals or young men of integrity? What is their deal? Honestly, I think many of them are lazy. Many are waiting for a good woman to find them.  Well, if he is waiting for this catch-of-a lady to vy for his eye, he's just going to keep on waiting. Which stinks for him and also stinks for me.

I don't think i'm old-fashioned to believe that a man should be the one to pursue a woman worth knowing; rather, I'm biased by my own experiences. I have three brothers who are all exceptionally good-looking. When I was in high school, the house phone rang non-stop with teenage girls calling for my brothers. I heard how my brothers treated those girls, what they said within my earshot about them, and how they were nuisances. I also saw one brother chase after a girl, not because she was cute, as my other brother quickly pointed out, but because this girl had not given my brother the time of day. So to all those guys who say they like women to make the first move, I say, "you're full of it. Tell the truth and shame the devil. You know that in the end you are going to end up with the girl you pursued. Everyone else might just qualify to be kept around for fun or for a booty call."

Not every beautiful and successful woman gets inducted into this involuntarily single sisterhood. I have a friend who is sexy along with being very successful, and she can't go a day without being single. She once told me she did not understand why some women were single and could not land a man.  For her, the phone does not stop ringing.  Now that I think of it, maybe it's like the phenomenon of Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston.  Both successful, both stunning, but the one that oozes sex appeal never sleeps alone and the other is involuntarily single. Am I a Jennifer? And if so, what is wrong with that from the man's perspective?
hmmm...