Wednesday, January 15, 2014

From an "intimidating woman": Pet peeves about "lazy" men.

Please, please, please do not be lazy!
The following are scenarios where I would find a describe a man's actions as lazy.

The top scenario is the guy who puts the onus on the girl to call him.  At the end of a date, one guy said to me, "so you have my number, so call me if you want to hang out". Uh, no thank you.  I may be a  member of a dying breed of women who actually desires to have a guy be the initiator and propagator of a relationship.  I call my guy friends that are JUST friends, or I call my boyfriend; I do not call guys to start up a relationship. The 21st century woman has a lot of the blame when it comes to this type of laziness. We women call men, give out our numbers without being asked for it, plan dates and all kinds of pursuits.  This allows lazy men to be lazier and also to feel like it is acceptable.  But please, lazy man, own up to your laziness and do not try to convert me. I am not ever going to value being a woman who chases after a man. Why? You may ask. Well, because I have three good looking brothers that demonstrated over and over again, the difference between how they treated the women that they had to pursue versus the women that pursued them.  One guy friend recently said, in regards to women,  "when you want something, you go for it".  For the record, he said it, not me.

Another scenario is that you say you want to get to know a girl, yet you do not call her or invite her out.  Please do not pretend that you are really interested if your actions are half-hearted. I heard a sermon where the speaker said that others cannot see our intentions (or our "heart", as has become so common to say); people only see our actions. If your actions are to Not call or text or invite her out, then I find it hard to believe that you really are interested. We all are willing to prioritize and sacrifice for something that is important to us.  So if I do not feel like a priority to a man, then I assume that I am not a priority.  If you wait until the last minute to invite me to hang out, or ask me on a saturday when I am going to be done with my plans, to see when we can meet up, then you are either lazy and or I am not a priority. If I was a priority, you would make sure that my weekend plans included you, with several days advance notice. Many of us start thinking about the weekend from wednesday, if not earlier. So waiting to make plans until saturday evening is a big, No.

One of the things I have noticed about many men is that they do not like to hurt a woman's feelings. In theory this is a good thing. However, in actuality, it can be really awful and a lazy man is involved it can play out into him keeping a girl in his back pocket.  The following is example [maybe extreme] of how this "back pocket" dynamic.  A girl pursues the interest of a guy.  The guy really isn't interested, but is afraid to tell the girl and hurt her feelings. Since he didn't invest any of his ego into pursuing her, he may not tell her that he is not interested. Instead he will allow her to text him, and he will causally text back. And one day, if he is lonely and she invites him to hang out, he will take her up on it. If he's really lonely, he may even sleep with her. All the while knowing that he is not really into her.  Yet on her side of the equation, she may perceive that he is into her because he responds to her texts and took her invitation to hang out, or because they had sex. Why would he do those things if he wasn't interested? Right?  You may think this is extreme, but don't forget I grew up around three good looking brothers, in a house where the phone rang off the hook, from ladies who were trying to get the attention of one of my brothers. That said, I have seen the "back pocket" dynamic in action.

Last item I will throw in for free. One guy tried to reason that some men are very casual and nervous initiate interest or expose their true feelings because they do not know what the woman is going to do. This was to defend actions that I was perceiving as laziness.  When this guy said this, I realized that there was a certain thing about women that he did not know.  Here it is gentlemen: women are won over by a guy that makes her the apple of his eye. If a guy shows interest and prioritizes a woman, she often will fall for him.  Now there are exceptions to this, but generally it is the rule.  Many women will disregard a lot of things that initially would have made someone not attractive or undesirable, IF the guy treats her like a queen or makes her feel special. She will even defend him to her friends and family, who looking from the outside, may not understand why she is with that guy.   There are a lot of homely, balding, dorky, low-wage earning men who have learned this insight about men.  These are the guys walking around with women, where you find yourself scratching your head trying to figure out how he did it.

All in all, I can't stand laziness. Mostly because men do not own up to it and try to pretend like they are making more effort than they really are. That said, there are plenty of 21st century women who don't mind pursuing a guy and putting in all the effort. And great relationships can result from that too. But that doesn't mean that he wasn't lazy. And for some women, like this writer, laziness is a deal breaker.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

From an "intimidating woman" to a brotha: what he may not know.

these are personal insights, and may not apply Generally to all women classified as "intimidating"

1) I don't understand realistically why a man would be intimidated by me.  I cannot bench press anything significant, I don't have a john or cojones, we aren't competing for facial hair, and I can't shoot hoops. What of my femininity should intimidate? I have dated shorter men, those who didn't go to college, had a blue collar job, were balding, were skinny, dorky, foreign, and the list goes on. At the end of the day, if a guy is intimidated by me, that may say more about him than it does about me. I just saw a post on Instagram that read that a guy is only intimidated by a woman when he knows that she deserves better. Food for thought.

2) Sometimes people are surprised by the people I date or go on dates with. I have a similar style when I dance as to when I date. I am more likely to give someone a chance, rather than outright say no. All the men I have gone out with, had at least one thing in common: they approached me or asked me out. For me to even consider talking to someone, they have to at least make it obvious to me, that they are interested in getting to know me. I have heard rumors of guys that wanted to get to know me. Those men never will know anything more about me, than what they can see with the eye, if they don't have the guts to approach me. There are guys that have very little going on for themselves, who approach me. Then there are guys who have a lot going for them, who stare silently from across the room.  I don't get it.

3) Just because I don't need you to pay my bills doesn't mean that I don't want a man to share my life with. Some men are intimidated by an independent woman, who can support herself. When my friends can take care of themselves, I'm glad. Who wants a friend that you have to pay all their bills? So why is it that some men are intimidated by a woman who lives under her means? I know one doctor who finds it liberating that his wife makes more money than he does. Wouldn't it be better for a woman to want you because she loves your company and not because she needs your money ?