Monday, January 25, 2010

Heart (dividend sign) 2

In my first entry, I wrote that I was “involuntarily single”.  The more accurate truth is that I walked away from love and was temporarily not picked up by another fish in the sea.  Maybe there is a sign on my forehead that reads: Unfinished Business, DO NOT approach this one.  (LOL).  More recently I have been overwhelmed by a wave of emotion and deluge of questions with uncertain answers.  Why did I walk away? Was he not right for me, or was I afraid? Did the voice of fear speak to me with confidence and blind me from what I should have seen? Did I run because things were not easy or perfect? Am I afraid to take real risks, like the risk of giving my heart away?  Was I pressured by people who did not see what I saw? Was I trying to live up to the standards of others, instead of allowing myself to discover my own desires?

I met a beautiful man who scared me.  He loved me so intensely, so quickly. He had a lot of the character traits that I was looking for, in a person that I would give my heart to; but he was like a bag of potential seedlings waiting to be sown.  That state of being in limbo scared me too. What ifs became a voice In my ear. What if he never used his potential? Who does he want to be? What if I will always want more for him than he wants for himself?  The questions scared me. Others saw that limbo state and raised concerns about it, and I could not subdue their concerns. One, told me a chilling story of love that went dry as one person’s path went from limbo to a direction opposite the person they were supposed to share their life with.  These two lived in the same house, but one desperately wanted to share certain parts of them self, that the other wanted nothing to do with.  This and their exhortation created the thought that if he was in limbo then he was not right for me. So I walked away, and in doing so, I broke my heart in two, and I broke his heart. For months I entertained all those questions, all those what ifs. Only to find myself realizing that maybe I, (me), did not care as much about those uncertainties as some others did. What if I allowed fear to tip the scale in the wrong direction and to drop a veil over my eyes?  What if love is the most powerful force on earth and in life? What if love is that force that sees us reach for the stars and touch them? What if all I really want is to be loved and to share who I am with someone? What if the resume is just a glimpse of where someone has gone so far, but not a predictor of where one will go?

At present, my heart is still torn. I’m confused and uncertain about many things.  I am in limbo, but I am focused on moving forward. 

Beth Moore writes that the greatest paradox is that healing can flow from a wound.  That idea made me wonder if God allows hurt and emotional wounding in my life to bring about a needed healing. Could it be that sometimes I’m only open to great healing when I am so hurt by a deep wound? Maybe my thinking needs healing. It is sad to admit but I often really reach out to God when I feel like I am in a low point, or ashamed of how I have muddied things in my life or when I am hurting. But sometimes I do the opposite too; I ignore God along with all the pain and lead myself into a numb cocoon.  When the prophet Isaiah writes of this savior person who “took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows” I think of Jesus and how he sympathized with the hurting and burdened his soul with the oppressed and overlooked.  I think, “Jesus can identify with me, He understands my broken heart”.  Jesus even quotes writings in Isaiah, of this person who took it as a mission to bind up the brokenhearted. It is as if He wants to be the glue that pieces my heart back together.  Hmm.

1 comment:

revamae said...

There is so much maturity and honesty in this.
I wish I understood and had such great insight at your age. I perhaps would have been a better mother and wife. I see God using this experience to make you connect and understand others who have too been broken and wounded. I pray as you continue to empty yourself,He God and Holy Spirit will fill you to overflowing. He will use your insight to refresh and bless others and you too shall be refreshed and blessed.